Sauna Newbiedom

My best friend has had a Y membership for months and months now and not used it. And I got a free membership with my Medicare Advantage plan because, yes, I'm only 38, but I've spent most of that time walking around carrying a few kilotons' worth of guilt, sadness, self-loathing, hopelessness, anger, usw. in a package called Major Depressive Disorder.

Now we both have memberships and I want to go sit in the steamroom or sauna once a week. Problem? The fucking Y website is only meant for people who have always had a Y membership. There's no map of the facility, no gallery, no description of what the hell the Rec Center is. It's like they don't want new members. What the fuck.

I've never been in a steamroom. I haven't been to the Kish Y--not beyond the front desk--since my teens. I don't fucking know where anything is, I don't know what I wear, what I need to bring besides my Silver Sneakers card, if I need to talk to someone--I know jack shit.

So I hit the website. I love information. I want to know things ahead of time. There's nothing to help me. I have to do a search to find any indication that there is a goddamn sauna and that it has normal hours. And you could ask, reasonably, why I don't call?

I don't call because the shitwits who sit at the desk and answer the phone are the county's most snobbish, ignorant, unwelcoming, unhelpful plague rats of reception. Is that a blog? "Plague Rats of Reception." Should be, amirite?

"Hi, um, my doctor sent me over. I think I get a free memb--"

I hear a small, disgruntled huff. "You. Need. To. Fill out. This! Form."

"Um. Um. But this is--"

"Fill. Out. That. Form. Andbringitin."

"Er. O....Kay. See you soon!"

*snort*

No. Not calling. I hate phone calls anyway.

The plan is to find someplace with a sauna that has a handy "Welcome new members! Here's what to do:..." on its website and follow it as appropriate. Then we, the unwashed masses, all two of us, are invading goddamn YMCA-istan. Not Istanbul, fucking phone! Bacon-wrapped and crispy Christ on a stick.

Wish us luck. We're actually really sweet in person.